A shared life or an isolated life? 

I have found over and over again how hard it is to be truly faithful to Jesus
when I am alone. I need my brothers and sisters to pray with me, to speak with me about the spiritual task at hand, and to challenge me to stay pure in mind, heart, and body.

Fr. Henri Nouwen

The Quiet Drift Toward Isolation

Many of us are startled and saddened by the degree of aloneness we experience in adulthood. We didn’t expect it. From the outside, it seems like family and work and church would provide a vital sense of being known. For many, though, the reality of our demanding lives keeps us skimming across the surface of our relationships. Our intentions for faithful living and service are well-meaning, even noble, but our individualistic approaches prove inadequate to the task. We have consciously or unconsciously sought to make it on our own and have found, over time, our lives desperately lacking, our souls wanting. Sadly, the tale of an individual human life is too often told as a sequence of independent and unshared moments.

 

As we pay attention to our lives or perhaps the life of someone we are walking with, a critical element to discern is this tendency toward self-isolation. Few things are more predictive of not finishing well as persons or leaders than isolation as a way of life. Living and leading faithfully with Jesus and others is simply too hard to do alone. So, in the midst of our many relationships, do we confide in and pray with and sort out our deepest questions and life challenges with some key people? Or do we have a prevailing tendency to keep this type of stuff to ourselves?

 

There are a variety of reasons why we often persist in “keeping our cards so close to the chest,” even with spouses and friends. Some of us simply do not see our need for help. Others have little confidence that we are worthy of another’s time; we feel they are too busy, so we don’t want to “bother” them. Some live behind a façade of spiritual adequacy and competence, afraid to drop the mask. Others stay fairly isolated because we tried sharing our lives in the past and got really burned and hurt; it doesn’t seem worth the risk. These many resistances are undoubtedly misshaping our lives toward self-isolation.

The Courage to Live a Shared Life

Sharing our lives with others will require courage and wisdom, and it will involve unlearning much of what our family of origin or our individualistic culture may have taught us. In all of this, we must come to discover that by remaining closed off to others, we unwittingly refuse the kindness of God. Because it is in the sharing, honoring, struggling, and enjoying of life together, the Spirit’s nurturing grace is imparted to us. 

 

A trusted relationship or community will be the place where we most often experience being known and loved by God. This is simply part of the mystery of how God’s Spirit nourishes us as Christ’s body. God’s grace works in us, with us, through us, and among us. The life God has in mind for us is truly a shared life together.

 

Practice:

So when you have some time in the next couple of days, here are some questions to prayerfully ponder with a journal in hand, or better yet, over a cup of coffee or on a walk with a friend: 

• Are you relationally rich and well assured by good friendships? 

• Or is there any evidence of self-isolation in spite of your friendships? 

• Does anyone really know you?

• Where might the Spirit be inviting you into deeper relationships with others? 

 

 

If you are looking for some intentional time and space to pay attention to these things, join Dr. Keith Anderson and me after Easter for a three-session online experience entitled, “A Leader’s Journey in a Fractured World.” Details and Registration

 

 

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Robert Loane serves as President of VantagePoint3 Ministries, seeking to both learn and encourage a more relational way of life and ministry. He is co-author of Deep Mentoring: Guiding Others on Their Leadership Journey (IVP, 2012) and A Mentoring Guide: Christ. Conversation. Companionship (VP3, 2019). He has been the lead writer of The Journey process and other VP3 processes for the last 20 years. At the core of his life and work, Rob loves helping people find ways to have better conversations about the things that matter most in their lives.